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The personal trainer Matt Roberts is so high-end that David Cameron was a client. He’s going to assess my running style

I feel about the word “runner” the way I felt about “mother” when I’d just had a baby – that it was completely fraudulent. You can’t call yourself a runner until you can run for longer than 90 seconds at a time. But you can’t force yourself out running when you’re not a runner. It’s a puzzler, right?

That’s why I went to see Matt Roberts, a personal trainer so high-end that David Cameron was a client; that’s him you could see in the background of paparazzi shots, looking like a security detail, but actually monitoring the PM’s glute engagement. Roberts is my age and I remember him starting out, when I was at the London Evening Standard and all we talked was his abs, the Atkins diet and Zoë Ball. Anyway, 21 years pass and – wham! – he looks exactly the same and I look like his portrait in the attic, the spirit animal who’s done his ageing for him.

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